Waiting For an Answer

It seems that one of the first words we humans ever learn is "why."  We start asking "why" very early in life and often come to the end of this worldly existence with that word still on our lips.  As I stood at the bedside of my mother in her final days of life, I listened to her ask "why?" on multiple occasions.  She had long been ready to leave this world and join her husband, brothers, parents, and friends who had entered into Glory before her, but the Lord seemed to have other plans for that timetable.  Mom looked into my eyes and asked, "Why doesn't He take me home, honey?  Why am I still here?"  I didn't have the answer to her question and could only offer her the assurance that God's wisdom is far beyond anything we can ever hope to understand and His timing is always perfect.  Easy for me to say, but far harder for any of us to accept.  In those final days of Mother's life, I must admit that I also wondered "why?".

As the days passed quietly, I was privileged to be at Mom's bedside daily and helped attend to her needs.  My sister had devoted many years of her life to caring for our mother, but this final period of time had worn heavily on her.  I could see the sorrow in her eyes and hear the pain in her voice as Sis anticipated the final moments of Mother's life.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, but one of the most blessed, as well.  Kay and I sang songs to Mom.  We even did a little soft shoe to "Me and My Shadow" that elicited a hearty chuckle from Mother and an admonition to not quit our day jobs.  As she slowly slipped into the quietness of her final hours, we tended to the needs of her physical body and prayed for her spiritual comfort. 

Mother was placed into hospice care for those last few weeks of life, so by the time I had made the trip back North to see her, the hospice nurses and chaplains were already ministering to her and to my sister.  Upon my arrival, I was able to meet some of those special people who had chosen this amazing ministry for themselves.  As those days passed and Mother eventually left us for her life in Eternity, I was able to speak candidly with the hospice nurse and two chaplains who each encouraged me to investigate the possibility of chaplaincy work in the realm of hospice care for myself. 

If you've read my blog before, you already know that I have been on a journey of faith for the past few years, returning to seminary and entering into full-time ministry work.  I've wondered where it would all lead me.  At times it's been hard to hold onto that faith and not allow discouragement and fatigue to overcome me, but by God's grace I've continued to walk in obedience believing that He has a plan for my life.  By the time my mother had gracefully slipped out of this life and into the presence of her Lord and Savior, I began to think that I may have been given a glimpse into what my ministry might entail.  So, as a result, I have enrolled in chaplaincy training that will begin shortly after the start of the new year in 2015... and I cannot begin to convey the excitement and anticipation I have for what might lie ahead.

Perhaps Mother lived a bit longer so that I might have the opportunity to be exposed to this ministry of hospice.  I cannot help but think that might be the reason why God delayed in calling her home.  I live 800 + miles from my sister's home, so it took some time for me to be able to make the trip back to say good-bye to Mother.  In my heart, I believe she was asked to remain in her earthly home until God could use her gentle spirit one last time to show me a path to follow, a door through which I am to pass, and a ministry calling I had never thought of before those final days with Mom.  Sometimes, if we are specially blessed, we may get the answer to that haunting question... "Why?"

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie:  though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."

(Habakkuk 2:3)

Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, and ...

It is very hard to admit failure.  Although it's been said that we learn more from our failures than we do from our successes, that is very little comfort when we're staring at ourselves in the mirror wondering where we went wrong.  Sometimes we're faced with more than one failure at a time, too.  Failure hurts... it makes us think we're not really worth much.  When facing failure, we really only have minimal options:
1.  Blame someone else-  Sometimes we resort to blaming others in a futile attempt to exonerate ourselves.  No one likes to admit that they've dropped the ball in some way.  Shifting the responsibility to someone else, anyone else, just feels easier than accepting the responsibility for ourselves.
2.  Make excuses-  Time got away from us.  We just couldn't manage the challenges.  No one else cares, so why should I.  The list of excuses is endless, but all the excuses in the world won't change the failure we face.
3.  Resign to acceptance of our failure-  This option stinks because it only condemns us to living in regret for what might have been. 
4.  Stand up, take responsibility, and start fresh-  Sounds easy, but this option takes guts.  Admitting failure, especially to others, is not an easy thing to do.  It may be even harder to admit to ourselves.  However, it is the recognition and admission of failing that provides us with the place to start over.

I started this blog last year and have fallen woefully short of my initial intention for it.  I allowed busyness to get in the way.  After a few weeks of making excuses as to why I couldn't post something new, I just began to forget all about this venue of personal expression.  Even with well over 1900 views around the world, I convinced myself that no one was really interested in what I have to say anyway.  So, I just wandered off and stopped writing... and I feel ashamed and sorry for that.

If you have been a reader, please accept my apology.  I can only offer you this:  I will try hard to be more faithful to my blog and to remember that if something I write resonates with just one other person somewhere in this world, it will be worth the effort.  Life is hard and we can use all the encouragement we can find along the way.  Here I am once again.  I pray that the Lord will use this blog for His glory and for the edification of others.  No blame, no excuses, no resignation... just a willingness to stand up, dust myself (and my keyboard) off, and start again.