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The moment I heard that there would be no need for my blow-dryer and curling iron, I knew I was in trouble. I had come to this retreat with the thought of getting closer to God. No one had told me that I would have to do it with straight, stringy hair. As I stood gazing at our leader for the week-end and listening to her description of what lay ahead for us, I found myself giving serious consideration to a polite, but immediate exit. This just was not what I'd had in mind.
Julie was our retreat leader. She was a trim, athletic appearing young woman with cropped hair and tanned features that would put the Coppertone billboards to shame. I could tell she was disgustingly healthy and suspected she might even be into something really radical-- like exercise or health foods. It didn't take long to confirm my suspicions. We were informed that although we would be up late into the night ("probably until at least 9:00 or 9:30," Julie stated), we would have to rise a little earlier than normal come morning in order to accomplish all she had planned for us. My heart went into instant arythmia... what did Julie view as "normal?"
I awakened, some time before the birds did, to the sound of a screeching pump handle that was almost as irritated as I was at being assaulted at such a ridiculous hour. Julie greeted me with a cheery "Go-o-o-o-ood morning!" and I smiled through clenched teeth. Could it be that Julie had been the model for all those yellow "Smiley Face" buttons?
Our first meal consisted of bowls of bird seed and curdled milk. Someone insisted that it was granola and yogurt, but I know birdseed when I see it. Later, we all went on a walk through the forest where we spent our time picking bugs out of each others' hair. Then, to top the day off, we spent an hour back at the cabin deciding which one of us would squash the monster spider that had escaped from some old Tarzan move. Julie had already gone back to her own cabin... probably to pig out on nachos and beer, I suspect.
The remainder of the week-end was devoted to such perverse activities as wood splitting, organic gardening, and vegetarian menu planning. However, sandwiched between them were moments of deep meditation and personal evaluation that made the rest bearable. I found myself very close to God on several occasions , and in the most unlikely of spots-- unlikely for me, that is.
The name of the retreat center is "Morningstar Adventures," and it was indeed an adventure. I was able to draw one sane conclusion from the week-end, despite all the insanity around me: The next retreat I attend will be held at the nearest Hilton Hotel. Surely God would rather see me after a hot shower and make-up session. I'd rather put my best face forward, regardless of how long it takes to put it on.
As for Julie, she'll probably go right on promoting these insane ideas for healthy living, and what's really shocking is this: Some fool will probably come along and pay her for it!
"But
ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air, and
they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let
the fish of the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that
the hand of the LORD has done this?"
(Job 12:7-9)
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