What a revelation! I am not responsible for meeting the needs and desires of every person with whom I come in contact. Nor am I responsible for rescuing people from the consequences of the choices they make. Helping is good... enabling is not. Enabling another person prevents them from realizing the problem(s) they need to face. It turns the recipient into a lazy excuse maker and gives a false sense of control over another's life to the enabler. Many professionals believe that enabling is, indeed, akin to abuse. According to leading psychologists (both secular and Christian), enabling perpetuates (makes something continue indefinitely) a problem rather than solving it. It prevents the recipient from ever reaching their full potential.
Some time ago I directed a Christmas program for my church. In the process, I determined the dress for the choir participants would be a white blouse/shirt, black slacks/skirt, and a red tie (for the men, of course). After having given that information to the choir members, I promptly went about seeking those items from local thrift stores and re-sale shops with the thought in mind that I would be able to furnish anything a member might need should they fail to do so for themselves. I really don't know why I thought that way. My choir members have always been responsible people who are fully capable of taking care of themselves. However, I amassed a total of eight white blouses, two white shirts, four pair of slacks, a black skirt, and even one brand new red tie. Some 12 months later, all of those items hang unused in the closet of my guest room. Not only did I spend money unwisely on them, but they have become a constant annoyance to me as I seek to find storage space for other important items. Yesterday I pulled them out and committed them to a bin of yard sale items I was taking over to a friend's house. What a waste of time and money. My choir did not need to be enabled by me... they were faithful to take care of their own needs.
My husband and I have opened our home to others on a number of occasions when someone needed a temporary place to stay. There have been a wide assortment of reasons for the need, but we have always felt blessed to be able to meet that for someone else. We don't expect anything in return and we don't charge people for the "privilege" of living here. For the vast majority of those times, we have received great blessings when we've opened our door to another person. On rare occasion that has not been the case. There will always be those people who seem to need constant assistance and never reach a place where they are able to stand on their own. It has been our uncomfortable responsibility to ask such people to find another place to stay... and it is never well-accepted by them. Thankfully, my husband is strong enough to identify the person who is using our hospitality for their personal gain without accepting responsibility for their own needs and he is not afraid to confront that situation with firmness and love.
Having been hurt by people whom I sought to help, I've come to realize the following things:
- Some people are very comfortable right where they are in life. Whether or not I feel comfortable with their situation is of no real consequence. They have no intention of changing and will ultimately resist any encouragement to do so.
- Some people hate where they are in life, but fear of someplace different holds them prisoner. No matter how hard I may try to change that, those people will always revert to their former, comfortable station in life eventually.
- Some people hate where they are in life, and given a little help they will break free and fly.
Pain and suffering are motivators for change. Unless standing still begins to create pain for someone, he or she will never take a step forward. Pushing a chair up behind them so they won't have to suffer the pain of standing is not doing that person any favor. It may change the appearance of their stance, but it certainly doesn't change their location or afford them any progress. Quite the opposite, it gives them the opportunity to become lazy, and Scripture is packed full of warnings against that.
The person who becomes an enabler is defined as "co-dependent" in the world of psychology. That term simply means that the enabler's self-esteem is often dependent on his or her ability and willingness to "help" in appropriate ways. When it comes to self-esteem, I believe if we just get our "God-esteem" firmly in mind... that is, if we clearly understand the value God places upon us... our self-esteem will surely fall in line. Helping someone in need is an entirely different matter. It encompasses lending a hand to someone who is in a bad situation and who desires to find a way out. It is a temporary act of kindness and mercy shown to another person. Helping is a good thing.
All of this leads to one final thought: Being a "consummate rescuer" may look good on Superman's resume', but it is an indicator of failure on yours or mine. It only proves we have not allowed others to try and fail and learn valuable lessons from those experiences. Rescuing says we know better what is right for someone than God does. It is the beginning of enabling, and it is a bad habit to cultivate.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-23)
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